Collingwood Standardbreds

Only the most naive buyer would embark upon a quest for a horse without being aware of the dodgy dealer phenomenon. They are everywhere. But they are not the same. And they are not always selling bad horses — but they are always selling horses badly. Here are the main varieties:

The crooked dealer

They know the horse is not what they say it is, and they’re waiting for an idiot to come along. They are not afraid to lie, and will use a range of strategies to hasten a sale: opening with a tirade about time wasters, saying another buyer is on their way, or offering to deliver the horse now. Adverts will often read as very generic — a perfect-sounding horse who is often suspiciously cheap. (Remember, the text, pictures/videos and price all need to match.) The horses in the photos have often been recently pressure-washed, because a bath and a haircut is the only way to add value to a horse you’ve only just bought. Keywords: 110% bombproof, granny could ride it.

The desperate underdog

They buy more horses than they can afford to keep, and they have to make a sale before they can buy the next load of hay so the pressure’s on. They often love their horses (in a chaotic fashion) and can be good sources of diamonds in the rough, but they can also resort to desperate measures in order to make a sale, or naively endorse a terrible match. They are not always easy to distinguish from the crooked dealer. Keywords: low price for quick sale.

The stolen-ad scam

Photos and text are stolen from elsewhere on the internet, and the horse does not actually exist. You will be asked to pay a deposit of some kind (eg. to secure a viewing), and then they will disappear. The devil is in the detail here: foreign tack, trees, fencing or architecture styles are a dead giveaway, as are descriptions that make the writer sound as if they know nothing about horses. Anyone for a 14.5 hands gelding called Princess? She is kid-safe and can jump 1.5m. If something seems off, insist on talking on the phone (do this anyway). Keywords: ‘trail horse’

The non-buying-arrangement scam

Pay instalments for a horse that later disappears (before or after arriving at your yard). The ‘long-term loan’ that you add value to only for the owners to sell it from under you. Or any time you buy a horse without its passport physically in your possession at the moment of transfer. Keywords: anything but SOLD.

The not-a-people-person

They never set out to be dealers, but they often have horses for sale. They hate wasting time on viewings that don’t result in an instant cash sale. They don’t enjoy the general public. There are two terrible photos and nothing else. Their horses are often great, but they don’t make any part of the process easy, and consider you a timewaster for wanting to ride the horse before you buy or for asking more than three questions. Or they may just not be very good at communication / presentation. I like buying from these people — it’s like a Kinder Surprise. I have the space, time and inclination to figure out the horse so that its next buyer doesn’t have to do a lucky dip like I did! But if you’re a private buyer looking for your forever horse, it’s risky. Keywords: 15.2, 9yo bay Standardbred gelding, good in all ways, no time wasters.

The not-actually-a-dodgy-dealer

Buyer lied about their experience, ability and/or situation. Overnight, the horse’s companions, lifestyle, diet and workload changed. He was taught to be afraid of things, taught bad habits. Then the buyer blamed the seller and now they’re all over the dodgy dealer pages. This has not happened to me — yet — but it is an occupational hazard.