Collingwood Standardbreds

Dodgy dealers are often obsessed with time wasters. I am not, because I don’t really believe in them. The majority of people don’t set out to waste sellers’ time for the fun of it. If your budget matches your requirements, and you are describing your ability, ambitions and resources accurately, you are not a timewaster. An honest and open conversation between buyer and seller should easily determine whether it’s worth proceeding with a viewing. That said, of the people who do end up wasting sellers’ time enquiring about or viewing horses they are never going to buy, here are a few varieties:

• I’m not buying yet, just putting out feelers. Can you come back to me when you have the money and we’ll talk about what’s available then?
• It’s not what I want, but it’s all I can afford. OK, but do you want to do the work to turn it into what you want? If not, find a dodgy dealer to sell you your dream, then let reality kick in afterwards.
• I can get the same somewhere else for less money. Then do that, obviously…
• The unicorn hunter: Horse must be perfect, fit between narrow size and age bands, and be a specific colour, breed or gender. Half an inch or one year over or under the specified range will not do, but they’ll view the horse anyway, ‘just in case’. And then not buy it. Fortunately I’m usually spared these types because they never want a bay gelding with stated imperfections (which is what I mostly sell), and they certainly never want a pacer.
• The cross-examiner. They ask a hundred questions, often the same question worded in different ways to catch me out. Whilst I am happy to answer sensible questions and to give time to serious potential buyers, I don’t need cross-examining, and my home is not a court. If you can’t trust me, I can’t trust you, and I’d rather save myself the hassle and enjoy my nice horse for a bit longer.
• The teenage expert. They’ve ridden all kinds of horses, don’t mind a challenge, don’t mind a bucker or rearer, low budget (‘can I pay in instalments?’), ‘very experienced’. The only thing that stands in their way is how to get themselves to the viewing when they don’t have transport…
• I want to buy it but I don’t want to pay a deposit or pick it up any time soon. Sellers, your horse is still for sale unless a deposit is paid.
• I want your horse to be what I’m looking for, even though it clearly isn’t. Please, please, please listen to the seller if they tell you the horse isn’t suitable. Don’t argue with the seller. Don’t explain that you are extremely experienced and will be able turn a fiery and feral 14.2 Welsh Cob into a first pony for a nervous 8yo (true story, and one of the reasons I no longer sell ponies). Don’t ring back a day later to reinforce the message that you will definitely be able to make this work, because I don’t like being forced to lie but sometimes saying ‘it rears’ (even if it doesn’t) is the only way to get rid of people like this.
• I’m a nervous novice and I would like to buy this horse who has been described as unsuitable for nervous or novice riders. Just no. Thank you.

I drove this racehorse through Central London and he didn’t put a foot wrong. I still wouldn’t describe him as bombproof because he’s an animal and they are famously not very bombproof.